It is one of those things that creeps up on you on cat's paws, softly and without warning. Some of it I am sure is down to most women's situation during the change of life. For me, my children are grown and are busy flying the nest. Like all fledglings, they do return and demand feeding, care and attention. One day, every soon though, I know they won't come back or only for brief little visits.
It is why I tried to cherish all the moments when they were growing up. Sometimes I did it better than others. My daughter takes delight in reminding me of occasions when either I was a good mother or a very bad one. She also reminds me of various rants I have had and why I have to keep on my present course.
Then there is the situation with my in laws. Although my mother in law is in a care home as her dementia progressively worsens, my father in law has moved in with us. Some days it works better than others. The Social Services phoned this morning to say that we do qualify for respite care so he will go away to a home for a week while I am on holiday. I have become his principal carer. And the emotional upheaval of all this really knocked me.
And with the change of life added in, I found myself becoming less and less sure. When I was angry, I would want to curl up in a little ball and do nothing. In years past, when I was angry, I would write. The curling up in a ball came on gradually and I just thought it was something that was gone. However, once I start drinking the tomato juice, I found when I was angry, I wanted to write and the words flowed. I could put my anger to a productive use.
One of the reasons I have avoided writing single title is the necessity of finding an agent. It is just easier to have one. Yes, I know publishing has changed in many ways but it is still good to have someone in your corner. And it is hard to find the right agent. The Crows of Doubt really sound loudly every single time I try. I tried before I was published. I tried a few years ago but then got busy fulfilling my contract. But now that I have written my Anglo Saxon queen story, there is nowhere to hide. It has to be done. So I have started to send out queries. This time, I am taking my time -- one per week. And I an not curling up in a ball or feeling like I should be scurrying back and writing another HMB. (Yes I know people like my HMBs but my daughter thinks my Anglo Saxon queen is far better than my Vikings -- it is good to have her in my corner.)
I looked back a few years on the blog and was surprised at how much I used to write. Somewhere I forgot about it and so I plan on trying to update the blog a bit more.
It is getting that can do attitude back. I am amazed that drinking the tomato juice has helped in this way.